Jobs that Captain America Would Suck at
by Monkeycat31811
Summary: Steve needs to find a new job since Shield is no more. As Steve searches for the perfect new job he finds many jobs that he sucks at.


It was summer, Tony was being a douche and defeating all the bad guys before Steve could. Plus shield went downhill so Steve decided he should get a real job.

Apple Store Tech person

A man walked into the store. He was a chubby, short man with thinning brown hair. Steve was very excited to help people at his new job, so he quickly ran over to the man.

"Is there anything I can help you with?" Steve asked happily.

"Umm…. Yeah." The man replied. "My iPhone isn't working."

"Well let me take a look at it and I'll be happy to help."

The man handed Steve his phone.

"This is a phone?" he said in shock. "But….but…it doesn't have any wires!"

The man looked at Steve as if he was crazy.

"Yeah most phones don't now a days." The man replied.

"Really that's amazing? How does it work?"

"I don't know it just does….ummmm do you know anything about apple technology?"

"These things are run on apples!?" Steve asked.

The man gave one more look as if to say you are the weirdest person. Then went to other employee and asks for help.

Steve waited around for another costumer to enter. When one did, it was a teenage girl with short black hair, dark skin and brown eyes. Steve once again ran over to the costumer.

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah my laptop is broken." She replied simply. "Every time I try to get onto the internet a picture of a money pops up."

"2 questions what is a laptop? And what is the internet?"

"…..How is it you got this job here if you don't know what the internet is or a laptop?"

"Well don't tell anyone…but I'm Captain America. So told them that and they gave me the job."

"….umm…okay apparently your crazy…I'm gana go find another employee."

She started to walk away. Steve grabbed her arm.

"Wait! Let me help! Please! I can do this! Just let me try."

Steve looked at the girl with pleading eyes.

"fine." the girl answered.

Steve and the girl went into the backroom to ty and fix her computer.

The girl opened her computer and turns it on. Suddenly the computer goes to her desk top with a picture of Zac Ephron.

"There's a man on your computer man on your computer. Has that happened before?" Steve asked.

"….yes." she said annoyed. "That's my wallpaper."

"That's your wallpaper? Isn't wallpaper….never mind?"

The girl clicked on the internet button and the monkey pops up. Steve started pressing random buttons on the key board. The girl looks impressed.

"Is this some kind of trick to make my computer work that they taught you here?"

"Nope."

The monkey picture was still there when Steve finally stopped pressing buttons and looked at the screen. Then he started banging on the laptop.

"Work! Work! "Steve yelled.

Steve was fired shortly after.

Toy Store Employee

Steve was told all he would have to do is help customers find what they need, use the register (which they taught him how to use) and put things on shelves. He was sure this job would work out well.

Steve was working the cash register. A small boy and his mother come over to his register. The boy has a video game in his hands. The small boy had green eyes and light skin. The boy had a red shirt with SpongeBob on it and wore blue jeans with sneakers. His hair was short and brown. His mother was a tall tan women with long black hair, blue eyes. She wore a floral blue shirt sleeve shirt, blue jeans and sandals.

"Seriously? You don't need that." Steve told a small boy.

"When I was a kid all we needed was a bat and a baseball and we were great!" Steve continued. "We spent all day outside! Now I never see kids outside. And this is the reason! This is the cause for all the evil in the world!"

The kid looked down at his video game.

"Kids are getting lazy that's why everyone is fat. You're going to be fat and die if you don't go outside and play."

"You're an ass whole!" The kid's mother told Steve. She took her son`s hand and walked away.

"You can't call Captain America an ass whole!" Steve yelled at her. "That is un American!"

Weather man

Steve looks at the director in disbelief, as he stood in front of the green screen.

"so your telling me I'm going to point over here, " Steve started. " and magically a map of the area will appear."

The director rolled her eyes. She was dressed in a plain black shirt, she had very short brown hair, brown eyes and light skin. She wore jeans and sneakers.

"No when it's on TV you`ll see the map but for now you won't see anything." The director told him.

"But…but there is nothing here. How-how can it be on the TV?" Steve replied not understanding.

"Do you really want me to explain the process to you?" she asked angrily.

"Yes!" he smiled.

"Are you an idoit?"

"No mam. I just don't understand this technology."

"You're like what 23, this shouldn't be so confusing to you!"

"I'm old fashion." Steve told her.

"Just stand there! The directions forwhere to point are on the monitor." She told him. "Starting in 5…4….3…2…1"

The camera turned on, the light shines in Steve`s eyes. He covered them.

"Steve stop it!"

He just stood there with a shocked look on his face.

"What is he doing!?" the director yelled.

"Get away from here Red Skull!" Steve yelled "These people did nothing wrong!"

Steve was having a flash back. Steve then started throwing things. The crew members ran.

"You won't win! I have beaten you before!" Steve screamed.

He threw a box filled of camera supplies at a computer.

Crash!

The director looked pissed.

"You're fired!" she screamed.

Phone Sex Person

Steve got his first phone call late that night.

Ring ring

"Hello! I`m Steve thank you for calling Roaring Fantasies."

"What are you wearing, Steve?"

"Umm…jeans, a white t shirt, and red Jordan's."

"So what are you going to do to me?"

"I don't know I was thinking maybe we can go see a movie."

"A movie?" she asked confused.

"Yeah maybe we could see Iron man 3. I heard it got good reviews."

"I don't wana see a movie I wana have some fun!"

"…..do you wana go to the gym?"

"…."

Beep beep

"She hung up!" Steve commented.

Motivational speaker

"When I was a boy back in 1940." Steve started. "I was this scrummy little shrimp, loser who got bullied all the time. Then I joined the army and they gave me this serum that made me who I am today. It made me strong, and fast, and smarter, and a whole mess of other things. Now I'm happy and I used to be a hero. I am a kind good person, who always used my head. That got me far in life and was why I was chosen to be turned into a superhero."

A teenage boy raised his hand. He had black curly hair, light skin, and blue eyes. He dressed in a green button down shirt, jeans and dress shoes.

"Yes, little boy in the back."

"So you're saying we should join the army and they will give us steroids?"

"No it's not steroids, steroids have side effects. This is a serum-"

"So if we join the army they will give us steroids with no side effects?" another kid asked excitedly.

"It's not steroids!" Steve yelled. "And if you guys joined they wouldn't give the serum to you anyways."

"Well why not? We're not special enough?" a girl asked.

"Well if they still have it, you`d have to be as kind and smart like me."

"So were not good enough?" the first boy asked.

"Um….."

Steve runs out.

Teacher

Steve knew a lot about World War 2, so he figured maybe he could teach American History.

"So during World War 2 there was this man red skull and he worked with Hitler. He took this serum to make him strong and smarter. It worked but it also made him evil. So I first met him when I was in the war it was 1940. I heard Red Skull had captured my friend and about a 100 other soldiers. So I find out where they were and I sent them all free. Then red Skull came out of nowhere and starts blowing shit up and-"

"Exudes me Mr. Rogers may I talk to you. "Coulson exclaimed.

"Coulson! You're alive? It's so good to see you."

Coulson Smiled. "Really?"

"Yeah we were all upset when you died. So what are you doing here?"

"Oh yes, come with me." Coulson told him.

"Do you have a mission for me? Did you guys start up shield again?"

Coulson did a fake laugh.

"ha no. I was here to pick up my niece and I heard what you were telling the kids. They aren't supposed to know about red skull. Its gana freak them out. "

"And telling them about Hitler wont."

"Look I didn't write the rules. I just enforce them. So talk about what is in the text book or I'll get you fired."

"But the text books only tell half the story."

"Okay then you leave me no choice."

As the principal walked toward Steve and Coulson.

"How dare you hit my niece?" Coulson yelled At Steve. "That is unacceptable! She is just a little girl! I will make sure the principal hears about this! Oh hello Principal Anders."

"Hello, sir. I overheard what had happened I am very sorry." The principal replied. "This is not something we accept here. And Mr. Rogers will face disciplinary actions."

Steve sighed. "Let me guess, I'm fired."

"yes." The pinball replied.

"This is the fourth job this week!"

Therapist

"So then my husband left me. "A lady in 40s complained. She was dressed in sweat pants and a tank top. Her brown hair was in a messy bun. "He took the kids claiming I was an unfit mother and-"

"Look you think your life stinks. " Steve replied. "Listen to this. I am 89 years old, I am single and still a virgin! My whole family is dead! Most of my friends are dead! I can't hold down a job! The love of my life married some dude from my team after the war! Hawk eye keeps threatening me because he thinks I am in love with Natasha! My best friend tried to kill me! Tony is so sexy but he is such a dick! And on top of that gas prices and everything in general is too high!"

"You're still a virgin?" the lady said shocked.

"Not many people want to fuck a superhero who wears tights and spandex in general! But when he's really 89 years old, that's a pretty big turn off apparently."

"I'll fuck you." the women said.

"What?" Steve replied. In complete and utter shock.

"We can go to my place, it's just up the block. I and you can do some dirty things in the bedroom."

Steve just stares at her still not believing what he was hearing.

"…..okay." Steve replied with a smile.

The run out to the lady`s car and end up fucking in the car instead. Steve was fired the next day for having sex with a patient.


End file.
